Breakthrough Conversations: Non Violent Communication & Conflict Management

KEY TAKEAWAYS

• Step 1 - Write It Down. 
  • This step draws from the wisdom of Byron Katie and Brene Brown.
  • The act of writing down how you are feeling shifts the mind out of reaction and into reflection.
  • Understanding the emotion brings clarity. Instead of charging into the conversation with pent-up energy, you ground yourself in self-awareness.
  • Before jumping into the conversation, it’s important to reflect on your own emotional response.

• Step 2 - Identify Assumptions. 
  • This step draws from the wisdom of Nancy Klein.
  • It involves consciously pausing to examine the story running in the background. 
  • It's okay to judgement. There is a biological reason to why we pass judgement, and it is a hardwired survival instinct. But be a detective with your judgements - figure out what is reasonable and what is not.
    
    
• Step 3 - Go Fact Finding.
  • This step draws from the wisdom of Marshall B Rosenberg.
  • Take time to observe and discern the difference between facts and judgement. Facts are irrefutable - be careful not to overlay them with judgement.
  • Often, emotions and judgements are projected outward e.g. “They made me feel frustrated”, “They disrespected me." But this assumes others are in control of your state.
  • Acknowledge that you do not know as much about others as you think you do.
    
    
• Step 4 - Identify Your Needs.
  • This step draws from the wisdom of Abraham Maslow.
  • Think about the needs from your perspective, as opposed to what you need from others. Say "I need this" (an expression of needs) rather than "I need you to do this" (a request). 
  • Try not to assign blame here. If you begin to blame and jeopardise their safety and basic needs, you are more likely to spark an emotional and verbally violent reaction from them.
    
    
• Step 5 - Consider Their Perspective.
  • This step draws from the wisdom of Amy Edmonson.
  • Taking the other person's perspective is a critical skill. If you make a genuine effort to understand someone's perspective, they are more likely to make a genuine effort to understand yours. 
  • Figure out what they need - and ask them! Use Maslow's Hierarchy to figure out what they need and what could be triggering them.
  • If leaders have this skill, they are more likely to create psychological safety within their teams.
  • In the Conflict Continuum, there are two ends - one being mean spiritedness, and the other being artificial harmony. Neither are good, and you want to stay in the middle. 
    
    
• Step 6 - Identify Shared/Higher Purpose.
  • This step draws from the wisdom of William Ury.
  • Most people will come from a "position" on certain topics. Positions will get you nowhere, but purpose and perspectives will. Start with the "why".
  • Look at both of your positions and identify the higher common purpose you can both connect with.
  • In a corporate setting, the business strategy should be where you make decisions. For all smaller decisions and conversations, connect and align with the business strategy - it is the highest level of shared purpose in a workplace.
    
    
• Step 7 - Structure Your Communication.
  • This structure was formulated by Alex Coward.
  • 1. From your story, elicit the facts.
  • 2. Consider the shared higher purpose.
  • 3. Communicate your needs and demonstrate consideration for theirs.
  • 4. Propose a way forward.
  • If the other person can't convey their needs, it may be because one of the previous steps hasn't been addressed. Maybe their basic needs are not addressed, or you haven't yet moved into a shared purpose.
  • This structure helps avoid spirals and keeps both parties focused on resolution rather than blame.
    
    
• Step 8 - Negotiate from Shared/Higher Purpose.
  • This step draws from the wisdom of William Ury and Marshall B Rosenberg.
  • Once the facts have been clarified, needs named, and shared purpose reaffirmed, the conversation becomes far more collaborative. The final step is to work out what’s next, together.